and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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