My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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