I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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