My friends, they love my intelligence
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
