While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
