Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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