Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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