"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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