i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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