when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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