ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
its not stalking. its research.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
