i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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