barbara walters just said penis...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
