Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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