I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
