Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
