aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
