hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize