Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
