Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
