I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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