Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
