I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
