Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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