i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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