Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
