my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
