I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
