Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
