Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
