Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
