I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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