he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
