2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
