if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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