I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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