I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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