You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
