You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
