everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
