He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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