did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
