he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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