She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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