Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
