I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
