just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
