He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
