My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize