dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
