I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
