getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
