Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
