life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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