i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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