First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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