I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
