good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
