Your face is a jimmy john
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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