why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
