there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
