and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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