I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
