So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
