I'm eating all of the evidence.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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