I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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